The Ass Ninja

admin — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 16:27:54 +0000

Courtesy of my good friend Jason Mayo, of Out-Numbered, comes, “The Ass Ninja…“:

Roast Chicken and Brussel Sprouts fuel my toxicity.

I am silent.

I am deadly.

You can do nothing to stop me.

I will find you.

You will not see me coming.

By the time you realize I was in your midst, I will already be gone.

I do not know how to show mercy.

I feel nothing.

I will devastate the world around you.

You will be left in ruins.

I am…

The Ass Ninja.

6:18pm – Sunday Evening

I eat Roast Chicken and Brussel Sprouts. I leave the skin on. I chew the bone. I eat half the bird. I drink Diet Coke.

7:02pm – Clean Up Time

I clean up the kitchen. I sneak one more piece of Roast Chicken. Dark Meat. More skin. Two more Brussel Sprouts. My stomach rumbles.

Hsssssssssssss

7:15pm – Bath Time

You finish up with the youngest and take her to her room. You leave the oldest in the shower alone. She is vulnerable. My first victim.

7:16pm – Engage First Target

I enter the bathroom. The air is heavy. It is dense and humid. The perfect conditions. I creep up slowly, like an Ass Ninja dressed in black. I draw the curtain back slowly. She is not paying attention. She has shampoo in her eyes. Unsuspecting. I back into position. My ass is in the shower.

NOW!

Hsssssssssssss

I am gone.

I wait…

7:16pm and 26 seconds…

“EWWWWWWWW!!!!! DADDYYYYYYY!!!!! DID YOU JUST FART IN HERE? DADDYYYYYYYY!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! MOMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!!!”

Direct hit. I must keep moving.

7:18pm – 3 Yr Old’s Room

You stand at her changing table. You are drying her hair. So peaceful. There is laughter. I do not pay attention to laughter.

7:19pm – Engage Second Target

I must move quickly. Do not linger. In and Out. No distractions. No prisoners. Do not look them in the eye. It is not personal…

Wife – “Hey what happened in there? Why was she yelling?”

Ass Ninja – “Who knows?”

I approach them. I am close. I bend over to pick up something that isn’t there.

Wife – “What are you doing?”

NOW!

Hsssssssssssss

Ass Ninja – “Nothing.”

Vanished…

7:19 and 48 seconds…

“UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! JAY WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO? HOLY COW!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! GOD!”

Mission Accomplished.

I must lay low. Regroup. Recharge.

9:37pm – Docking Station

I head to the kitchen to eat more Dark Meat and Brussel Sprouts.

I am armed for my final mission.

Now I wait.

Prepare.

Focus.

10:14pm – Bed Time

You lay in bed reading your “Novel”. Beautiful and silent. Like a sitting duck. About to be roasted in a dutch oven.

10:17pm - Engage

Final Target

Wife – “I’m tired. Come snuggle with me.”

Ass Ninja – “Just brushing my teeth.”

Percolating…

10:19pm - Lock and Load

I climb into bed and turn out the light.

Click.

Wife – “Good night honey. I love you…”

Tough love.

Ass Ninja – “I love you too.”

Kiss of death…

NOW!

Hsssssssssssss

Goodnight

my sweet love.

I am sorry.

10:19 and 31 seconds…

ASSHOLE!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? C’MON!!!! GOD!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS? JESUS, YOU STINK!!!!

My power is great. You are Out-Numbered. I am the Ass Ninja…

Check out Jason’s great blog on parenting and, more specifically, being the only man in a house with his wife and 2 daughters….he truly is Out-Numbered.

The Fart Equation

admin — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 12:28:54 +0000

Dear Dr. Rex: Well, I’ve been a fart fan for decades now, even got my girlfriend a little interested. My question is, why are some farts just big wind-bag blow-outs and some are more musical than an entire orchestra, and more pleasing to the ear, if not the nose?-Steve

Dear Steve: Decades, huh???? Cool……Steve, farts are like snowflakes. You can classify them, but in reality, no two are exactly alike (although the “holy shit I really should have had dinner before my hot date with the best looking girl I ever met” fart is pretty similar to the “holy shit I really should have had breakfast before my huge interview for the best job I’ll ever have a chance to get” fart).

There are many reasons for the varieties in pitch, volume, duration, texture, odor, mass, specific weight, combustibility, and raunchiness. I will explain. Of the many qualities listed above, we can really break any fart down into 2 major components. These are sound and smell. The general relationship between these 2 components can be expressed in the following basic equation:

XD/V=S
What this shows us is that as the volume of a fart goes up, the smell will usually decrease. The factors impacting that relationship are the duration of the fart and the other X variables. This basic relationship is really quite simple. The noise a fart makes (what we are referring to as volume) occurs as a result of the butt-cheeks slapping violently together. They are slapping together because the air being emitted is being emitted with great force. The faster and harder they slap, the louder the fart. This is perhaps easier to understand if we look at the inverse scenario: the dreaded SBD!!!!

In this equation, we use D=Duration, V=Volume and S=Smell, X=a Variable which is a function of what you have eaten within the past 48 hours, how much sleep you have had, various stress factors, and whether something has actually crawled up your ass recently and died (if something has crawled up your ass and died, we use the formula AXD/V=S where A=the thing that has crawled up your ass and how long ago it died).

The SBD (everybody knows this stands for Silent But Deadly) and its not-too-distant cousin, the SBV (Silent But Violent), are the smelliest farts known to man. The reason for this is that the gasses in an SPD/SPV are not expelled with great force at all, rather, they are leaked out like a small hole in a bicycle tire. Therefore, there is no butt-cheek slapping and no volume. Because of this lack of pressure, the aperture (asshole, asshole) remains open for a longer period of time, allowing the meandering methane (the slowest, stinkiest of all the inert fart gasses) to escape into the earth’s atmosphere.

In sum, when more pressure is exerted, there is more volume achieved. There is also less time for slow stinky gasses to crawl out of the butt and into your nostrils. I hope this was not too technical, but after all, I am the fart doctor.

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The Ass Ninja

The Fart Equation