I am silent.

I am deadly.

You can do nothing to stop me.

I will find you.

You will not see me coming.

By the time you realize I was in your midst, I will already be gone.

I do not know how to show mercy.

I feel nothing.

I will devastate the world around you.

You will be left in ruins.

I am…

The Ass Ninja.

6:18pm – Sunday Evening

I eat Roast Chicken and Brussel Sprouts. I leave the skin on. I chew the bone. I eat half the bird. I drink Diet Coke.

7:02pm – Clean Up Time

I clean up the kitchen. I sneak one more piece of Roast Chicken. Dark Meat. More skin. Two more Brussel Sprouts. My stomach rumbles.

Hsssssssssssss

7:15pm – Bath Time

You finish up with the youngest and take her to her room. You leave the oldest in the shower alone. She is vulnerable. My first victim.

7:16pm – Engage First Target

I enter the bathroom. The air is heavy. It is dense and humid. The perfect conditions. I creep up slowly, like an Ass Ninja dressed in black. I draw the curtain back slowly. She is not paying attention. She has shampoo in her eyes. Unsuspecting. I back into position. My ass is in the shower.

NOW!

Hsssssssssssss

I am gone.

I wait…

7:16pm and 26 seconds…

“EWWWWWWWW!!!!! DADDYYYYYYY!!!!! DID YOU JUST FART IN HERE? DADDYYYYYYYY!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! MOMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!!!”

Direct hit. I must keep moving.

7:18pm – 3 Yr Old’s Room

You stand at her changing table. You are drying her hair. So peaceful. There is laughter. I do not pay attention to laughter.

7:19pm – Engage Second Target

I must move quickly. Do not linger. In and Out. No distractions. No prisoners. Do not look them in the eye. It is not personal…

Wife – “Hey what happened in there? Why was she yelling?”

Ass Ninja – “Who knows?”

I approach them. I am close. I bend over to pick up something that isn’t there.

Wife – “What are you doing?”

NOW!

Hsssssssssssss

Ass Ninja – “Nothing.”

Vanished…

7:19 and 48 seconds…

“UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! JAY WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO? HOLY COW!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! GOD!”

Mission Accomplished.

I must lay low. Regroup. Recharge.

9:37pm – Docking Station

I head to the kitchen to eat more Dark Meat and Brussel Sprouts.

I am armed for my final mission.

Now I wait.

Prepare.

Focus.

10:14pm – Bed Time

You lay in bed reading your “Novel”. Beautiful and silent. Like a sitting duck. About to be roasted in a dutch oven.

10:17pm - Engage

Wife – “I’m tired. Come snuggle with me.”

Ass Ninja – “Just brushing my teeth.”

Percolating…

10:19pm - Lock and Load

I climb into bed and turn out the light.

Click.

Wife – “Good night honey. I love you…”

Tough love.

Ass Ninja – “I love you too.”

Kiss of death…

NOW!

Goodnight

I am sorry.

10:19 and 31 seconds…

ASSHOLE!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? C’MON!!!! GOD!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS? JESUS, YOU STINK!!!!

My power is great. You are Out-Numbered. I am the Ass Ninja…