If you can read lips, you can see Varejao saying “Oh my god”, as he buries his face in his warm-up.  If you can’t read lips, you can read Verajao’s body language saying “Please kill me” as he buries his face in his warm up.  If you can’t read lips or body language, but can read english, trust me, Verajao is not happy.

LeBron James Farts

Farting in the workplace, with LeBron James

It goes to show us all that farting is very normal in every aspect of life.  You can tell from watching this that this is NOT the first time “King LeBron” has “crowned” one of his teammates.  Take this as an inspiration and feel free to drop an ass-bomb on one of your co-workers.  It really builds team spirit!

The big news here is not the outcome of the trial, where Francis was ordered to pay $2M to Wynn, plus interest and court costs.  No, the big news here is the concept of using excessive flatulence as a defense strategy.  After all, it works for skunks, so what about for people.

It seems the uber-successful Francis failed in this attempt, as none of the accounts of the proceedings mention anything about the smell of his farts.  If he was just ripping loud, but non-smelly farts in his attempt to aid his case, that is nothing more than a “flatulence filibuster”, and would only delay the inevitable.

What Francis may want to consider next time is the “Silent-But-Deadly” defense.  Releasing a steady stream of SBD farts might disorient the prosecution, and any relevant witnesses, weakening the case against him.  Combine that with a judge and jury who just want some fresh air, and a fast acquittal is likely.  Or, at the very least, a mis-trial.

If Francis needs any advice or diet tips, he’s welcome to call anytime!  Can’t wait to see the Girl Farts Gone Wild video that may or may not currently in production!

I’m very happy for these guys, and proud of their work.  This is a great start.  Other fart attributes I’d like to see  measured in the future are top speed, SBD Ratio, density, and half-life.  While these shouldn’t need an explanation to most true fart fans and connisseurs, I’m doing this in the interest of education of the masses.

• >>Top Speed – The article in Popular Science implies that temperature of the fart is the only factor in how fast a fart will travel.  That is blatant over-simplification.  Other internal factors include the thrust of the fart, the chemical compisition, and the downright bad intent of the farter.  External factors, include room temperature (a hot environment will lead to faster spreading), humidity (high humidity will slow down the spread of a fart), and barometric pressure (don’t ask me what the hell this is, but I just hear about it on the weather report along with temperature and humidity, so figure it sounds good here).  Other external factors that impact fart speed include whether the farter was stationary or moving (and if so, how fast and whether they were going forwards or backwards), if there was any “top-spin” or “side-spin” on the fart, and how much wafting (if any) is done by either the farter, or the victims.
• >>SBD (Silent but Deadly) Ratio – pretty self-explanitory, really.  This is a ratio of the stench to the volume.   SBD ratios of greater than .83 are considered very rare, but have been recorded in labratory conditions.
• >>Density – We’ve all experienced some farts that just seem “denser” than others.  Lots of farts smell bad, but a precious few can make the victim feel suffocated.  That is the quality of density as experienced by the victim…suffocation.
• >>Half-Life – How long does the fart linger?  How quickly does it dissipate?  Again, some farts seem to linger forever, others dissipate rather quickly as pointed out by Warden Norton in “Shawshank Redemption” when he discovered Tim Robbins character had escaped “like a fart in the wind”.

Those are a few new features that can perhaps be added in Fartalyzer 2.0 by our boys from Cornell.  But, for now, they have already performed groundbreaking work in the field of windbreaking.  Thanks fellas!