Posts Tagged ‘silent but deadly’

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The Ass Ninja

Thursday, November 19th, 2009

Courtesy of my good friend Jason Mayo, of Out-Numbered, comes, “The Ass Ninja…“:

Roast Chicken and Brussel Sprouts fuel my toxicity.

I am silent.

I am deadly.

You can do nothing to stop me.

I will find you.

You will not see me coming.

By the time you realize I was in your midst, I will already be gone.

I do not know how to show mercy.

I feel nothing.

I will devastate the world around you.

You will be left in ruins.

I am…

The Ass Ninja.

6:18pm – Sunday Evening

I eat Roast Chicken and Brussel Sprouts. I leave the skin on. I chew the bone. I eat half the bird. I drink Diet Coke.

7:02pm – Clean Up Time

I clean up the kitchen. I sneak one more piece of Roast Chicken. Dark Meat. More skin. Two more Brussel Sprouts. My stomach rumbles.

Hsssssssssssss

7:15pm – Bath Time

You finish up with the youngest and take her to her room. You leave the oldest in the shower alone. She is vulnerable. My first victim.

7:16pm – Engage First Target

I enter the bathroom. The air is heavy. It is dense and humid. The perfect conditions. I creep up slowly, like an Ass Ninja dressed in black. I draw the curtain back slowly. She is not paying attention. She has shampoo in her eyes. Unsuspecting. I back into position. My ass is in the shower.

NOW!

Hsssssssssssss

I am gone.

I wait…

7:16pm and 26 seconds…

“EWWWWWWWW!!!!! DADDYYYYYYY!!!!! DID YOU JUST FART IN HERE? DADDYYYYYYYY!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! MOMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!!!”

Direct hit. I must keep moving.

7:18pm – 3 Yr Old’s Room

You stand at her changing table. You are drying her hair. So peaceful. There is laughter. I do not pay attention to laughter.

7:19pm – Engage Second Target

I must move quickly. Do not linger. In and Out. No distractions. No prisoners. Do not look them in the eye. It is not personal…

Wife – “Hey what happened in there? Why was she yelling?”

Ass Ninja – “Who knows?”

I approach them. I am close. I bend over to pick up something that isn’t there.

Wife – “What are you doing?”

NOW!

Hsssssssssssss

Ass Ninja – “Nothing.”

Vanished…

7:19 and 48 seconds…

“UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! JAY WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO? HOLY COW!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! GOD!”

Mission Accomplished.

I must lay low. Regroup. Recharge.

9:37pm – Docking Station

I head to the kitchen to eat more Dark Meat and Brussel Sprouts.

I am armed for my final mission.

Now I wait.

Prepare.

Focus.

10:14pm – Bed Time

You lay in bed reading your “Novel”. Beautiful and silent. Like a sitting duck. About to be roasted in a dutch oven.

10:17pm - Engage

Final Target

Wife – “I’m tired. Come snuggle with me.”

Ass Ninja – “Just brushing my teeth.”

Percolating…

10:19pm - Lock and Load

I climb into bed and turn out the light.

Click.

Wife – “Good night honey. I love you…”

Tough love.

Ass Ninja – “I love you too.”

Kiss of death…

NOW!

Hsssssssssssss

Goodnight

my sweet love.

I am sorry.

10:19 and 31 seconds…

ASSHOLE!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? C’MON!!!! GOD!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS? JESUS, YOU STINK!!!!

My power is great. You are Out-Numbered. I am the Ass Ninja…

 
Check out Jason’s great blog on parenting and, more specifically, being the only man in a house with his wife and 2 daughters….he truly is Out-Numbered.

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Fart Review #1

Monday, November 9th, 2009

Lots of air in this effort. Not alot of style points, but it is obvious that this young man has the proper diet regimen required to stand out in a crowd. Because of all the air, this is sure to be a real stinkeroo!!! Lesson of the week: The reason there are so many SBD farts is that when alot of gassy air comes out (which is what makes the fart smell) it is sometimes difficult to get good sound; conversely, when you get good sound, it is usually tough to release enough gas to singe nostril hair. This sounds like a pretty good combo and I’ll give it a 6. Not a bad fart, and the most important thing is that he tried.

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Fartalyzer Prototype

Thursday, November 5th, 2009

Inspired by breathalyzer technology, two college students at Cornell University have devised a fart detection device that measures three key fart variables: smell, sound and temperature.  Robert Clain and Miguel Silas recently presented the device in their class, and got a very nice write up on the Popular Science website.

The Real Fart Machine???

The Real Fart Machine???

I’m very happy for these guys, and proud of their work.  This is a great start.  Other fart attributes I’d like to see  measured in the future are top speed, SBD Ratio, density, and half-life.  While these shouldn’t need an explanation to most true fart fans and connisseurs, I’m doing this in the interest of education of the masses.
  • Top Speed – The article in Popular Science implies that temperature of the fart is the only factor in how fast a fart will travel.  That is blatant over-simplification.  Other internal factors include the thrust of the fart, the chemical compisition, and the downright bad intent of the farter.  External factors, include room temperature (a hot environment will lead to faster spreading), humidity (high humidity will slow down the spread of a fart), and barometric pressure (don’t ask me what the hell this is, but I just hear about it on the weather report along with temperature and humidity, so figure it sounds good here).  Other external factors that impact fart speed include whether the farter was stationary or moving (and if so, how fast and whether they were going forwards or backwards), if there was any “top-spin” or “side-spin” on the fart, and how much wafting (if any) is done by either the farter, or the victims.
  • SBD (Silent but Deadly) Ratio – pretty self-explanitory, really.  This is a ratio of the stench to the volume.   SBD ratios of greater than .83 are considered very rare, but have been recorded in labratory conditions.
  • Density – We’ve all experienced some farts that just seem “denser” than others.  Lots of farts smell bad, but a precious few can make the victim feel suffocated.  That is the quality of density as experienced by the victim…suffocation.
  • Half-Life – How long does the fart linger?  How quickly does it dissipate?  Again, some farts seem to linger forever, others dissipate rather quickly as pointed out by Warden Norton in “Shawshank Redemption” when he discovered Tim Robbins character had escaped “like a fart in the wind”.

Those are a few new features that can perhaps be added in Fartalyzer 2.0 by our boys from Cornell.  But, for now, they have already performed groundbreaking work in the field of windbreaking.  Thanks fellas!

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