This problem has perplexed me for ages. Every time I’m with a girl, I have to Fart! Every date, i’m always having to roll down the windows or something!!! I’m wondering if it’s some type of reaction to being near girls or what! And sometimes, I can’t hold them in! They sneak out and I hope no one noticed. Other times, I can hold them, but it’s uncomfortable. Then after I drop off the girl, I just let them all fly. Then I can’t take anyone out for at least a week cause my car stinks! The smell is absorbed into the seat! Anyways, I’m just wondering if there is anything I can do about it.

Yours Always,

Rob (The Datable Fart)

A. Dear Rob,

This is an amazing phenomenon, isn’t it?  This has happened to me as well and to others that I have spoken to.  I am not certain if women get the same reaction to dates, but I will try to shed some light on this topic for you and our other male readers (and myself).

I think there is a combination of factors at work here. The first is that you are on a date, which tends to mess with your physiology a bit-you get nervous. This is why it is typically worse on dates very early in the relationship-as you spend more time with a person, you are more comfortable around them and less nervous. Less nervous means less gas. The other major factor is that you are really conscious of the fact that you can’t fart because you are around this new person.  This makes you more nervous. This leads to more gas which makes you more aware of the fact that you can’t fart….

It goes on and on in a cycle until you drop her off at 3 in the morning almost glad that you didn’t score because you just had to get the hell out of there and fart for about 10 minutes straight. It is so funny, because you just keep on farting and thinking about the date.  The irony is that you really have 2 ultimate goals in mind for the future of the relationship:

1. Get laid

2. Get to the point where you can fart in front of her (finally).

Remember, depending on how ugly she is, the aforementioned goals may be reversed. Also, no matter how good/bad the first date goes, you can always count on some MONSTER FIRST DATE FARTS!!! Let this be an incentive to all you fart-happy geeks that spend too much time on this site and downloading pornography on the web:  If you are really true to your farts, start taking a girl out every once in awhile. You may not hit a home run every time, but you’ll definitely get a chance to take your rips. Oh yeah-be careful not to accidentally erase your hard drive, studley.

Hope this helps. Until next time…..

I’m very happy for these guys, and proud of their work.  This is a great start.  Other fart attributes I’d like to see  measured in the future are top speed, SBD Ratio, density, and half-life.  While these shouldn’t need an explanation to most true fart fans and connisseurs, I’m doing this in the interest of education of the masses.

• >>Top Speed – The article in Popular Science implies that temperature of the fart is the only factor in how fast a fart will travel.  That is blatant over-simplification.  Other internal factors include the thrust of the fart, the chemical compisition, and the downright bad intent of the farter.  External factors, include room temperature (a hot environment will lead to faster spreading), humidity (high humidity will slow down the spread of a fart), and barometric pressure (don’t ask me what the hell this is, but I just hear about it on the weather report along with temperature and humidity, so figure it sounds good here).  Other external factors that impact fart speed include whether the farter was stationary or moving (and if so, how fast and whether they were going forwards or backwards), if there was any “top-spin” or “side-spin” on the fart, and how much wafting (if any) is done by either the farter, or the victims.
• >>SBD (Silent but Deadly) Ratio – pretty self-explanitory, really.  This is a ratio of the stench to the volume.   SBD ratios of greater than .83 are considered very rare, but have been recorded in labratory conditions.
• >>Density – We’ve all experienced some farts that just seem “denser” than others.  Lots of farts smell bad, but a precious few can make the victim feel suffocated.  That is the quality of density as experienced by the victim…suffocation.
• >>Half-Life – How long does the fart linger?  How quickly does it dissipate?  Again, some farts seem to linger forever, others dissipate rather quickly as pointed out by Warden Norton in “Shawshank Redemption” when he discovered Tim Robbins character had escaped “like a fart in the wind”.

Those are a few new features that can perhaps be added in Fartalyzer 2.0 by our boys from Cornell.  But, for now, they have already performed groundbreaking work in the field of windbreaking.  Thanks fellas!

Please help,

My trouble is that I can do pretty damn good farts but….. I NEED more volume !!!! Is there any positions that you know which will help me with my performance !??! Is there a tecnique in forcing them out ??! Should I push hard and hold my butt cheeks apart or what !?!? Yours Faithfully,

Steve (The Fart King)

Dear Steve,

I wonder aloud how you can call yourself “The Fart King” with a simple question like this. Anyway, there are a few keys to volume. Since I do not know all the details of your problem, I must ask you some questions which will help me answer your plea for help.

One of the factors that impacts the volume of an individual fart is the amount of gas expelled. Are you eating the proper foods? Do you have enough gas to create the desired volume. A good test is this: How long do your top-quality SBD’s last? If you can let a good SBD go that lasts more than one second, you are working with enough gas to get the job done (I know it doesn’t sound very long, but use a stopwatch and you will see that it is). The reason for this is that the volume of gas needed to produce a one second SBD is usually enough for a 3 to 5 second ripper (this is due to the math I explained in a previous question entitled “The Fart Equation”).

Another thing to consider is the size of your butt-cheeks. If you are skinny, bony, slim, lanky, tall, slender, svelte, thin, athletic, emaciated, trim, gangly, gaunt, wiry or any combination of these, producing volume may again be more difficult.  The worst combinations tend to be “slanky”, “bangly”, and “svaunt”.

The last thing to consider is position. You need to find a position where the dirty air needs to force it’s way through said butt-cheeks to get out, without being stifled. Everybody is different in this category. The best position for one can result in stifling or worse for another. Keep experimenting and you will find your groove.  Keep us posted!