Q. Dear Dr. Rex,

This problem has perplexed me for ages. Every time I’m with a girl, I have to Fart! Every date, i’m always having to roll down the windows or something!!! I’m wondering if it’s some type of reaction to being near girls or what! And sometimes, I can’t hold them in! They sneak out and I hope no one noticed. Other times, I can hold them, but it’s uncomfortable. Then after I drop off the girl, I just let them all fly. Then I can’t take anyone out for at least a week cause my car stinks! The smell is absorbed into the seat! Anyways, I’m just wondering if there is anything I can do about it.

Yours Always,

Rob (The Datable Fart)

A. Dear Rob,

This is an amazing phenomenon, isn’t it?  This has happened to me as well and to others that I have spoken to.  I am not certain if women get the same reaction to dates, but I will try to shed some light on this topic for you and our other male readers (and myself).

I think there is a combination of factors at work here. The first is that you are on a date, which tends to mess with your physiology a bit-you get nervous. This is why it is typically worse on dates very early in the relationship-as you spend more time with a person, you are more comfortable around them and less nervous. Less nervous means less gas. The other major factor is that you are really conscious of the fact that you can’t fart because you are around this new person.  This makes you more nervous. This leads to more gas which makes you more aware of the fact that you can’t fart….

It goes on and on in a cycle until you drop her off at 3 in the morning almost glad that you didn’t score because you just had to get the hell out of there and fart for about 10 minutes straight. It is so funny, because you just keep on farting and thinking about the date.  The irony is that you really have 2 ultimate goals in mind for the future of the relationship:

1. Get laid

2. Get to the point where you can fart in front of her (finally).

Remember, depending on how ugly she is, the aforementioned goals may be reversed. Also, no matter how good/bad the first date goes, you can always count on some MONSTER FIRST DATE FARTS!!! Let this be an incentive to all you fart-happy geeks that spend too much time on this site and downloading pornography on the web:  If you are really true to your farts, start taking a girl out every once in awhile. You may not hit a home run every time, but you’ll definitely get a chance to take your rips. Oh yeah-be careful not to accidentally erase your hard drive, studley.

Hope this helps. Until next time…..