Not sure if it’s coincidence or not, but the previous month’s issue of the magazine contained an article introducing this new technology called “fire” that was taking the world by storm.   And, the month after the fart-cure article, there was a report on “how to safely light your farts, without your toga catching fire”.  Useful stuff, back in the day, I guess…

Our favorite entry (and the one you should vote for) is the one below…check it out, if you like it, retweet it!

I was just sitting around,bored last week, when I felt a real gaseous fart coming on.  So I leaned back on the couch and clicked my Bic lighter and cut loose with a real beauty.  It blew a flame about a foot out of my butt.

The problem is,I didnt realise that some littles fibers on the couch were smoldering.  I left the house to go for a ride on my bike aand when I came back the house was on fire.  The flames had gutted my entire living room before the firemen put it out.

What I was wondering was:  Do you think that my homeowners insurance will cover the damage if they found out how the fire started?  Thanks…….Mongo

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Dear Mongo,

Great question, Mongo!!!  Most insurance policies will cover natural disasters-this certainly sounds like one to me.  Burning down your own house because of stupidity sure is a disaster and there is nothing more natural than farting.

I don’t know the ins and outs of your particular policy, so you might want to check with your insurance agent, but here is the best advice I can give you:

• Review your insurance policy.  See if the term flatulation, flatus, or fart-lighting appear. As you know, most policies will not contain a clause specifically for this.
• Think back to the day you purchased the policy…Did your agent inquire about your diet, overall health, or fart-lighting proficiency?
• Is your Insurance company called All-Farts, State Fart or Gasco?
• Is your insurance companies slogan “Your farts are in good hands”, “Like a good fart neighbor”, or “We protect your ass…we insure your gas”?

If you answered no to all of these stupid questions, you’re screwed!!!  Of course, you could just play dumb and say the fire was the result of “a gas leak”. Good luck!

Ted & Doug:You guys cover alot of points in your letter, so I will try to respond to each issue your letter raises, one at a time:

We have been sitting here watching the Suns-Lakers game…
OK, guys….basketball sucks-try hockey or football next time.

…eating pizza with sausage and extra cheese…
Excellent topping combo!!! A bit of advice: pepperoni is good too. For maximum fart output, however, try black olives, sausage, and pepperoni-the extra cheese is not necessary, that will come later!

…About 30 minutes after a third slice, Doug ripped one…
Now you know why your parents told you to always wait an hour after eating before you go swimming.

…that sounded ALMOST exactly like the 24k beauty we downloaded from your site last week!…
I hate to be a prick, but that is copyright infringement in its most blatent form! You better stop that Doug, before we get our overpaid corporate lawyers down there with some fart plugs.

…Naturally, we thought of you….
Natch…..

…We are looking forward to downloading other selections….
Try not to set your life goals too high, fellas, I’d hate to see you fall short.

…Are these your own functions, or those of your audience?…
Excellent question-some are ours, but most come from our adoring fans, like yourselves.

…How many farts do you receive from others each week?…
We get anywhere from 20 to 50 submissions in the average week-we appreciate them all in their own way. Even the people that send us the clip of Bugs Bunny saying “That was pretty good, doc, but can you do this??” with a fart edited in at the end. However, we prefer just farts, straight farts, real farts.

…We are interested in hearing stories about lighting farts….
Keep checking the forum for stories, they come in all the time.

…We’ve always wanted to try it, but are afraid of ending up at the local burn unit….
Not to worry. Although your letter doesn’t say where you are from, most of the local burn units today are more than adequate. A fire extinguisher is also a good investment. If you cannot afford one, keep a bottle of seltzer nearby. Never, I repeat, never attempt to extinguish a buttfire with aerosol hair-spray, deodorant, or gasoline.

…Any information you have would be greatly appreciated.
That’s it, guys….I’m all out of info for now. Until next week…..

Q: hi when i fart they are all silent but vilent! how do i make the sounds that come with the fart?
A: Try getting a sound card and some speakers. An inexpensive set-up can run just under $100.

Q: I was kind of wondering why it is when you are holding in a fart and you bend down or squat, why do you loose the pressure you have been exerting?-Bob & friends
A: The reason you lose the pressure is because the fart escapes. Next time, listen carefully.

Q: It is true that farting does actually clean your colon?-Karl
A: No, Karl, farting does not clean my colon. Each Wednesday, a guy named Walter comes in and cleans my colon. He uses pipe cleaners and a wire brush. Walter is underpaid.

Q: aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Does your mother know what you are doing?- Brian
A: Our mothers actually think this is pretty cool-is your mom just uptight?

Q: A safety tip for novice fart lighters: after a session of fart lighting, if the holes in your underwear are larger than dime-size, you are holding the flame too close to your ass.-Bob
A: Not actually a question, Bob, but you make a good point.

Q: dear dr,rex,why is it that every time i do a headstand or someone stands on my stomach i fart?Also why do those big mac farts come when you’re with someone important.-Geoff
A: Geoff, I think you need to give up your career as an acrobat in the circus, or maybe just change your diet while on the road.