Dear Dr. Rex: We have been sitting here watching the Suns-Lakers game for the past two hours, eating pizza with sausage and extra cheese. About 30 minutes after a third slice, Doug ripped one that sounded ALMOST exactly like the 24k beauty we downloaded from your site last week! Naturally, we thought of you. We are looking forward to downloading the other selections. Are these your own functions, or those of your audience? How many farts do you receive from others each week? We are interested in hearing stories about lighting farts. We’ve always wanted to try it, but are afraid of ending up at the local burn unit. Any information you have would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! Ted & Doug

Ted & Doug:You guys cover alot of points in your letter, so I will try to respond to each issue your letter raises, one at a time:

We have been sitting here watching the Suns-Lakers game…
OK, guys….basketball sucks-try hockey or football next time.

…eating pizza with sausage and extra cheese…
Excellent topping combo!!! A bit of advice: pepperoni is good too. For maximum fart output, however, try black olives, sausage, and pepperoni-the extra cheese is not necessary, that will come later!

…About 30 minutes after a third slice, Doug ripped one…
Now you know why your parents told you to always wait an hour after eating before you go swimming.

…that sounded ALMOST exactly like the 24k beauty we downloaded from your site last week!…
I hate to be a prick, but that is copyright infringement in its most blatent form! You better stop that Doug, before we get our overpaid corporate lawyers down there with some fart plugs.

…Naturally, we thought of you….
Natch…..

…We are looking forward to downloading other selections….
Try not to set your life goals too high, fellas, I’d hate to see you fall short.

…Are these your own functions, or those of your audience?…
Excellent question-some are ours, but most come from our adoring fans, like yourselves.

…How many farts do you receive from others each week?…
We get anywhere from 20 to 50 submissions in the average week-we appreciate them all in their own way. Even the people that send us the clip of Bugs Bunny saying “That was pretty good, doc, but can you do this??” with a fart edited in at the end. However, we prefer just farts, straight farts, real farts.

…We are interested in hearing stories about lighting farts….
Keep checking the forum for stories, they come in all the time.

…We’ve always wanted to try it, but are afraid of ending up at the local burn unit….
Not to worry. Although your letter doesn’t say where you are from, most of the local burn units today are more than adequate. A fire extinguisher is also a good investment. If you cannot afford one, keep a bottle of seltzer nearby. Never, I repeat, never attempt to extinguish a buttfire with aerosol hair-spray, deodorant, or gasoline.

…Any information you have would be greatly appreciated.
That’s it, guys….I’m all out of info for now. Until next week…..