OK, all well and good.  But, in doing research, it seems that people with vegitarian or vegan diets tend to fart much more than people with a balanced diet, including meat.  Because of the extra cellulose and various complex sugars contained in legumes and vegitables, some studies indicate that vegitarians might produce 50-100% more gas daily than omnivoires.

Looks like we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t.   So, might as well have a good steak, rip a few farts, and enjoy the ride…and, when the next study comes out, we can come up with some more knee-jerk reactions and modify behavior appropriately.

Who knows…

Anyway, for the sake of convenience, and since nobody much cares about soccer, I’m going to call the 2 teams the Wildcats and the Nittany Lions. 

So, where were we?  Oh yeah, match official Bunny Reid was behind Levi Foster (who plays for the Wildcats) prior to the start of their critical match against the Nittany Lions.  It seems Foster bent over to make sure his official Wildcats shoes were properly laced, and then he laced a ripper right at Reid.  Reid was shocked.  The Wildcats were known for their decorum and gentlemanly play, and this was totally out of character for anybody in the Wildcat organization, and a disgrace to the long tradition of pride the Wildcats had worked so hard to foster over the years.

Reid initally wanted to toss Foster out of the game.  But, after much laughter from both the Nittany Lions and the Wildcats, Foster was simply issued a yellow card, and the match continued, despite the farting incident.  Foster later excused his embarassing and almost costly fart, simply admitting, “I had curry the night before”.

While Reid did not comment on the smell of the fart, we can only assume because there was curry involved that it was indeed dastardly.

When the match was over, Foster was named “Man of the Match”…perhaps as much for what happened before the match, as during.  And, the Wildcats beat the Nittany Lions, 5-0.  Very nittany indeed!

Yes, FLATULEX: an “anti-fart” pill!

You see, I hadn’t slept well the night before, and had a big bowl of Special K, with a banana in it, at around 6 AM. Then, back to sleep for 3 hours. Whatever got brewed up was quite hearty and rich. All day long, I was “flatulating”. And, it didn’t take me long to realize I had a major decision to make; a decision that would test the very core of my belief structure.

The way I broke it down on the chalkboard, I had 3 options:

1. Ride the wave – just enjoy the day, let whatever tsunami was stirring in my intestines just run its course. This option would leave me dropping deadly gas bombs all the way from Hors d’œuvres through desert.
2. Hold on tight – try to hold in the stinky super-nova for 5 hours. I eliminated this one right away as a non-starter. If you told me I had to hold these in while buying a can of Pepsi from a vending machine, I wouldn’t have been sure I could last…so, 5 hours was not an option.
3. Flatulex – The devil, the “anti-fart”…can I really sell my soul?

So, here are the factors that went in to my decision, in no particular order:

• My wife and I didn’t know any of these people very well, and some of them were merely work acquaintances of hers. And, they were all from different cultures. There was 1 North American there (Canadian, so that doesn’t even really count), and one person each from Panama, France, Spain, and China. Had they been family, or long-time friends, I’d have been much more comfortable ruining not only their Thanksgiving, but their entire “holiday season”
• The wife worked all day cooking, and these farts would have made it impossible for any human to enjoy any meal. Even the girls from “2 Girls, 1 Cup” would have fled in horror (unfortunately, they couldn’t make it anyway…cancelled at the last minute)
• These farts (my very own farts) were making me kind of nauseous. And, I was really hungry.

So, out came the Flatulex. I popped it in my mouth. It tasted quite pleasant, which was a nice surprise. I chewed it up, swirled it around, and swallowed it down. About 30 minutes later, the farts were gone. And, 3 days later, I’m still questioning who I really am, deep down inside.

To increase your fart output you should:

• Drink more carbonated beverages.
• If you have lactose intolerance, increase your intake of milk and milk products
• Eat more gas producing foods like cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, bran, beans, broccoli and cabbage
• Add large amounts of fiber to your diet
• Cut down on (or if possible, eliminate) all exercise-especially any aerobic activity
• Increase the amount of air intake into the stomach…this can be done by:
  • Chewing gum or tobacco
  • Smoking cigarettes
  • Ask your dentist to provide you with poorly fitting dental implants/dentures.

The big news here is not the outcome of the trial, where Francis was ordered to pay $2M to Wynn, plus interest and court costs.  No, the big news here is the concept of using excessive flatulence as a defense strategy.  After all, it works for skunks, so what about for people.

It seems the uber-successful Francis failed in this attempt, as none of the accounts of the proceedings mention anything about the smell of his farts.  If he was just ripping loud, but non-smelly farts in his attempt to aid his case, that is nothing more than a “flatulence filibuster”, and would only delay the inevitable.

What Francis may want to consider next time is the “Silent-But-Deadly” defense.  Releasing a steady stream of SBD farts might disorient the prosecution, and any relevant witnesses, weakening the case against him.  Combine that with a judge and jury who just want some fresh air, and a fast acquittal is likely.  Or, at the very least, a mis-trial.

If Francis needs any advice or diet tips, he’s welcome to call anytime!  Can’t wait to see the Girl Farts Gone Wild video that may or may not currently in production!