Archive for the ‘Fart Questions & Answers’ Category

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The Fart Clock

Friday, October 30th, 2009

Dear Dr. Rex: Seriously, I have a serious problem with farting. I have had this problem since I was very young and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. Even now as an adult I cannot go 15 minutes without having to fart. I am in college and it is very difficult to hold onto it all until a break between classes.

Is there anything short of surgery that can eliminate this problem or at least reduce it?

signed,
bloated

Dear Bloated: Gee, this seriously sounds serious. I’d wager that right now, many of our visitors are quite jealous of your proficiency. However, if you are unhappy, I will do my best to help you solve this “problem”.

There are many postential solutions to this situation, each with their ups and downs. Since you specifically inquired about surgery, I will breif you on the two most appropriate surgical options.

Your complaint revolves around your need to fart very frequently. A surgical technique that I developed would involve the insertion of an internal valve at the exit of your large intestine. This valve, when in the normal “closed” position, will trap all of your volatility. The valve, complete with a pressure sensor, will release the gas before the situation becomes dangerous. Since you have no control over the pressure sensor, the problem of farting at a bad time would still exist. To off-set this, I will provide you with a remote control device which you can attach to your key chain. Just press the button at your discretion, and the gas will be exerted safely. This proceedure is quite expensive and requires frequent check-ups.

The other surgical alternative, which is the one that I highly reccomend in your specific case, is as follows. I would surgically insert the inner workings of a Cuckoo Clock into your rectum. Then you shave your ass, go to class without pants on and sit on your head (like Mork From Ork). Every 15 minutes, when you fart, the class will be treated to a welcome break from their studies and you will be providing a public service. I will perform this surgery for no fee, provided you allow me to sit in on one of your classes so that I may witness this display. The only downside of this particular alternative is the problems that occur during daylight savings time, as resetting the clock can be a real pain in the ass.

Let me know what you decide

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More Fart Volume

Thursday, October 29th, 2009

Dear Dr. Rex:

Please help,

My trouble is that I can do pretty damn good farts but….. I NEED more volume !!!! Is there any positions that you know which will help me with my performance !??! Is there a tecnique in forcing them out ??! Should I push hard and hold my butt cheeks apart or what !?!? Yours Faithfully,

Steve (The Fart King)

Dear Steve,

I wonder aloud how you can call yourself “The Fart King” with a simple question like this. Anyway, there are a few keys to volume. Since I do not know all the details of your problem, I must ask you some questions which will help me answer your plea for help.

One of the factors that impacts the volume of an individual fart is the amount of gas expelled. Are you eating the proper foods? Do you have enough gas to create the desired volume. A good test is this: How long do your top-quality SBD’s last? If you can let a good SBD go that lasts more than one second, you are working with enough gas to get the job done (I know it doesn’t sound very long, but use a stopwatch and you will see that it is). The reason for this is that the volume of gas needed to produce a one second SBD is usually enough for a 3 to 5 second ripper (this is due to the math I explained in a previous question entitled “The Fart Equation”).

Another thing to consider is the size of your butt-cheeks. If you are skinny, bony, slim, lanky, tall, slender, svelte, thin, athletic, emaciated, trim, gangly, gaunt, wiry or any combination of these, producing volume may again be more difficult.  The worst combinations tend to be “slanky”, “bangly”, and “svaunt”.

The last thing to consider is position. You need to find a position where the dirty air needs to force it’s way through said butt-cheeks to get out, without being stifled. Everybody is different in this category. The best position for one can result in stifling or worse for another. Keep experimenting and you will find your groove.  Keep us posted!

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Harry Houdini and Farts

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

Dear Dr. Rex: I love to fart, its the only thing i enjoy anymore but i went to this new school this year.There are some cool kids.they fart alot.But i took it a level too far. I farted a few times outloud in computer class. Pretty soon it was around to the whole school that all I do is rip farts (which isn’t true). Now everytime something stinks in class everyone asks me if I farted. It’s terrible. I need a way to clear my name. Is farting not for me?? All it does is cause me trouble. Please respond to me.

sincerely, rothy

Dear Rothy,

This does not sound like trouble to me. You have obviously gained a large amount of influence and notariety through farting. Take advantage of your talent and reputation and you can go far. All those losers that point, laugh, and ridicule you every time you let go are probably just jealous. They lack the balls to express themselves in public, so they mob together to pick on you.

Farting is something that everybody does, but a precious few have been able to use it as an asset. If you handle this situation properly, you can join the ranks of Joseph Pujol, Rex Breefs and Harry Houdini as those who took advantage of their gas. Pujol, yes. Breefs, of course!!! But Houdini????? That’s right!!!!

Why do you think Houdini was always handcuffed behind his back??? He would use his farts to help him get out of those things!!! Also, that famous trick where he was put in the water tank in the straight jacket, he used the air bubbles from his farts to determine which way was up, allowing him to swim to safety. Unfortunately, it was also his gas that did him in. When he was punched in the stomach, prior to a show in Montreal on October 22, 1926, his intestines unknowingly became partially detached from his rectum. Not only could he no longer use farts to his advantage, precious fart gas was escaping into his insides causing his guts to rot. He died 9 days later on Halloween, October 31, 1926.

After the autopsy, the medical examiner was asked what effect the punch had on Houdini’s rectum. His answer remains one of the most widely repeated quotes of the century:

Rectum???? It friggin killed ‘em!!!!!!!

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