Dear Dr. Rex: I love to fart, its the only thing i enjoy anymore but i went to this new school this year.There are some cool kids.they fart alot.But i took it a level too far. I farted a few times outloud in computer class. Pretty soon it was around to the whole school that all I do is rip farts (which isn’t true). Now everytime something stinks in class everyone asks me if I farted. It’s terrible. I need a way to clear my name. Is farting not for me?? All it does is cause me trouble. Please respond to me.
sincerely, rothy
Dear Rothy,
This does not sound like trouble to me. You have obviously gained a large amount of influence and notariety through farting. Take advantage of your talent and reputation and you can go far. All those losers that point, laugh, and ridicule you every time you let go are probably just jealous. They lack the balls to express themselves in public, so they mob together to pick on you.
Farting is something that everybody does, but a precious few have been able to use it as an asset. If you handle this situation properly, you can join the ranks of Joseph Pujol, Rex Breefs and Harry Houdini as those who took advantage of their gas. Pujol, yes. Breefs, of course!!! But Houdini????? That’s right!!!!
Why do you think Houdini was always handcuffed behind his back??? He would use his farts to help him get out of those things!!! Also, that famous trick where he was put in the water tank in the straight jacket, he used the air bubbles from his farts to determine which way was up, allowing him to swim to safety. Unfortunately, it was also his gas that did him in. When he was punched in the stomach, prior to a show in Montreal on October 22, 1926, his intestines unknowingly became partially detached from his rectum. Not only could he no longer use farts to his advantage, precious fart gas was escaping into his insides causing his guts to rot. He died 9 days later on Halloween, October 31, 1926.
After the autopsy, the medical examiner was asked what effect the punch had on Houdini’s rectum. His answer remains one of the most widely repeated quotes of the century:
Rectum???? It friggin killed ‘em!!!!!!!
Tags: excessive flatulence, fart story