Dear Dr. Rex: Seriously, I have a serious problem with farting. I have had this problem since I was very young and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. Even now as an adult I cannot go 15 minutes without having to fart. I am in college and it is very difficult to hold onto it all until a break between classes.
Is there anything short of surgery that can eliminate this problem or at least reduce it?
signed,
bloated
Dear Bloated: Gee, this seriously sounds serious. I’d wager that right now, many of our visitors are quite jealous of your proficiency. However, if you are unhappy, I will do my best to help you solve this “problem”.
There are many postential solutions to this situation, each with their ups and downs. Since you specifically inquired about surgery, I will breif you on the two most appropriate surgical options.
Your complaint revolves around your need to fart very frequently. A surgical technique that I developed would involve the insertion of an internal valve at the exit of your large intestine. This valve, when in the normal “closed” position, will trap all of your volatility. The valve, complete with a pressure sensor, will release the gas before the situation becomes dangerous. Since you have no control over the pressure sensor, the problem of farting at a bad time would still exist. To off-set this, I will provide you with a remote control device which you can attach to your key chain. Just press the button at your discretion, and the gas will be exerted safely. This proceedure is quite expensive and requires frequent check-ups.
The other surgical alternative, which is the one that I highly reccomend in your specific case, is as follows. I would surgically insert the inner workings of a Cuckoo Clock into your rectum. Then you shave your ass, go to class without pants on and sit on your head (like Mork From Ork). Every 15 minutes, when you fart, the class will be treated to a welcome break from their studies and you will be providing a public service. I will perform this surgery for no fee, provided you allow me to sit in on one of your classes so that I may witness this display. The only downside of this particular alternative is the problems that occur during daylight savings time, as resetting the clock can be a real pain in the ass.
Let me know what you decide