November 5th, 2009
Inspired by breathalyzer technology, two college students at Cornell University have devised a fart detection device that measures three key fart variables: smell, sound and temperature. Robert Clain and Miguel Silas recently presented the device in their class, and got a very nice write up on the Popular Science website.
The Real Fart Machine???
I’m very happy for these guys, and proud of their work. This is a great start. Other fart attributes I’d like to see measured in the future are top speed, SBD Ratio, density, and half-life. While these shouldn’t need an explanation to most true fart fans and connisseurs, I’m doing this in the interest of education of the masses.
- Top Speed – The article in Popular Science implies that temperature of the fart is the only factor in how fast a fart will travel. That is blatant over-simplification. Other internal factors include the thrust of the fart, the chemical compisition, and the downright bad intent of the farter. External factors, include room temperature (a hot environment will lead to faster spreading), humidity (high humidity will slow down the spread of a fart), and barometric pressure (don’t ask me what the hell this is, but I just hear about it on the weather report along with temperature and humidity, so figure it sounds good here). Other external factors that impact fart speed include whether the farter was stationary or moving (and if so, how fast and whether they were going forwards or backwards), if there was any “top-spin” or “side-spin” on the fart, and how much wafting (if any) is done by either the farter, or the victims.
- SBD (Silent but Deadly) Ratio – pretty self-explanitory, really. This is a ratio of the stench to the volume. SBD ratios of greater than .83 are considered very rare, but have been recorded in labratory conditions.
- Density – We’ve all experienced some farts that just seem “denser” than others. Lots of farts smell bad, but a precious few can make the victim feel suffocated. That is the quality of density as experienced by the victim…suffocation.
- Half-Life – How long does the fart linger? How quickly does it dissipate? Again, some farts seem to linger forever, others dissipate rather quickly as pointed out by Warden Norton in “Shawshank Redemption” when he discovered Tim Robbins character had escaped “like a fart in the wind”.
Those are a few new features that can perhaps be added in Fartalyzer 2.0 by our boys from Cornell. But, for now, they have already performed groundbreaking work in the field of windbreaking. Thanks fellas!
Tags: fart machine, Fart science, fart sounds, Fart Volume, shawshank redemption, silent but deadly
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October 31st, 2009
Incredible as it may seem, back in the 1870’s, an article in Harper’s New Monthly Magazine proposed that taking a charcoal based supplement would cure farting. I love the way they refer to “farting” as “the not unimportant subject of flatulency”. Now, I don’t know who would ever want to cure (or even do anything at all to inhibit) farting….but, I guess the Quakers, Puritans, Pilgrims, and Spartans back in the 1870’s were pretty uptight about this kind of stuff?
Not sure if it’s coincidence or not, but the previous month’s issue of the magazine contained an article introducing this new technology called “fire” that was taking the world by storm. And, the month after the fart-cure article, there was a report on “how to safely light your farts, without your toga catching fire”. Useful stuff, back in the day, I guess…
Tags: fart lighting, fart treatment, flatulence cure, Harper's Monthly, Pilgrims
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October 30th, 2009
Dear Dr. Rex: Seriously, I have a serious problem with farting. I have had this problem since I was very young and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. Even now as an adult I cannot go 15 minutes without having to fart. I am in college and it is very difficult to hold onto it all until a break between classes.
Is there anything short of surgery that can eliminate this problem or at least reduce it?
signed,
bloated
Dear Bloated: Gee, this seriously sounds serious. I’d wager that right now, many of our visitors are quite jealous of your proficiency. However, if you are unhappy, I will do my best to help you solve this “problem”.
There are many postential solutions to this situation, each with their ups and downs. Since you specifically inquired about surgery, I will breif you on the two most appropriate surgical options.
Your complaint revolves around your need to fart very frequently. A surgical technique that I developed would involve the insertion of an internal valve at the exit of your large intestine. This valve, when in the normal “closed” position, will trap all of your volatility. The valve, complete with a pressure sensor, will release the gas before the situation becomes dangerous. Since you have no control over the pressure sensor, the problem of farting at a bad time would still exist. To off-set this, I will provide you with a remote control device which you can attach to your key chain. Just press the button at your discretion, and the gas will be exerted safely. This proceedure is quite expensive and requires frequent check-ups.
The other surgical alternative, which is the one that I highly reccomend in your specific case, is as follows. I would surgically insert the inner workings of a Cuckoo Clock into your rectum. Then you shave your ass, go to class without pants on and sit on your head (like Mork From Ork). Every 15 minutes, when you fart, the class will be treated to a welcome break from their studies and you will be providing a public service. I will perform this surgery for no fee, provided you allow me to sit in on one of your classes so that I may witness this display. The only downside of this particular alternative is the problems that occur during daylight savings time, as resetting the clock can be a real pain in the ass.
Let me know what you decide
Tags: cuckoo clock, daylight savings time, Fart surgery, small intestines
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